true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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