afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
