A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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