The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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