Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
this just has baby written all over it
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
