You smell like a Billy Joel song
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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