he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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