I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
