I'm laying in your front yard are you home
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
