Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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