idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
