Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
