My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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