I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
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I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
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A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
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