you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
