But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
