I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
