Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I am one with the molecules
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
