It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize