and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
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I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
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The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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