Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i think my tv is drunk
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
