Just fell off a train. Bad.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
