I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
