you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
