I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
