i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
