i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
