A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
