so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
