she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
