We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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