Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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