Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
