saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
