They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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