So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Randomize
