Your face is a jimmy john
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
