the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
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