I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
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And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
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He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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