I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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