Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
We have started to decorate penises.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I think pants incapable of making pants work
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
im on a boat
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