Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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