dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
