in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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