Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
