my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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