I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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