Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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