I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
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