we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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