Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
