farters have to be the big spoon...
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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