I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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