I'm lost and stupid without you.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
