so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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