I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I AM VODKA MAN
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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