I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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