my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Use "feeling words"
Yay
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
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